If your restaurant's interesting "garage sale junk on the wall" includes motivational work posters (i.e. "Successories") you deserve to be smacked about like a yarn ball by a kitten.

I repeatedly get this stupid e-mail that Outlook junk filters catches from some yahoo who is peddling his services to do foreign language conversions of our web site. We only operate in North America so we're not interested.

Yesterday I get a new email, one saying "Did you get my previous emails? I seem to have some problems with my mail not getting through because some email systems think my message is spam." HELLLOO!!! It IS spam you ignorant buffoon. It's an unsolicted commercial email that I have no interest in, and frankly I don't think it's worth my time to even tell you to bugger off. I hope someone hits you with the Portuguese translation of "battering ram" in your head.

This reminds me of the old George Carlin "You stuff is shit and my shit is stuff" routine. It's like this guy thinks his email isn't spam but other spam he probably doesn't want. Yo, get a clue you bumpkin.

In the "OMG that's sick and creepy" category: If you proposition your own teenage daughter on Facebook, you deserve 15 seconds with a tin snips, you perv.

In this post, the return of "caught with my phone while stopped at a stoplight.":

That's some sort of odd carrier attached to the bumper with...a gas can hanging out there ready to get rear ended. Does this yutz miss his mid-70's Ford Pinto or what?

Courtesy of Mr. Wizard:

Yesterday I got yelled at for jumping in line in front of someone else waiting to use the microwave. I pointed out the second microwave that's been sitting there for the last 5 months. "Oh." Yeah, you're welcome.

Nice job there First National Bank of Omaha.  I've been a cardholder since 1994, and done 994 transactions over that timeframe according to ye old Quicken.  I'd transfered balances to you several times, made lots of interest payments, and recently paid off the card. It set dormant for about a year, and yesterday you sent me the BucksBack letter--a B.S. program of cashback no better than any other cashback cards (1% on all transactions in $25 dollar intervals), wrapped in a service fee of $49 a year, with terrible interest rates.

So, I rejected your rates and cancelled the card. I'm a good customer, pay interest at times, and am not late.  You made money off me in the past, and were destined to do it more in the future under the existing terms.  But you screwed the pooch.  I was a card member for 15 years, but no more.  I reject your terms and your lame marketing.  It's too bad the banking industry got so greedy these past years they are trying to milk the good customers. I am being milked no more and you rat bastards deserve to be bashed in the head with an early 80's cell phone until you go down like a first fight punk at a UFC bout.

Kanye freakin' West.  At the MTV video music awards on Sunday night, yanked the microphone from Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech to indicate that Beyonce's video should have been the winner, in his less-than-humble opion.  Kayne, you are a +10 douchebag, and your utter arrogance puts you at the front of the line for a mega beatdown. Grow up you jerk.  I don't even like Taylor Swift's music, and that was absolutely uncalled for. Sober up and go home.

Civilized common courtesy seems to be slipping more and more these days. Case in point, this last week I'm at the local supermarket for the lunch salad bar.  It's a double-sided bar thing where people mingle around, and generally I'm not too stressed if someone jumps around me to grab bacon if I'm busy populating my lunch with onions.  Eventually all attendees make their way to the dressing area. The woman in front of me has like 5 people waiting for her, and she applies dressing to her salad, closes the cover, and proceeds to shake up the salad to mix the dressing in.  5 seconds, 10 seconds, 15 seconds pass.  She stops, oh thank God she's done.  She opens the salad, adds another couple teaspoons of dressing, recloses the salad, and begins her Hawaiian dance yet again.  After 3 rounds of this, she finally leaves, bewildered as to why there are 5 people all giving her "I hope your remains aren't identifiably without dental records" faces.  I hope she's stuck in traffic for the next 5 weeks, and that she gets a baseball bat to the head to see if she even notices it connecting.

I work in information technology, as I've mentioned before. This means loads and loads of vendor spam. One of the worst is APC, also mentioned before, as they send me their catalogs to 4 different variations of my name or title to the same address, thereby adding to their marketing costs and paper recycling center work.

Today I get an email from them, here's the header with time send information:

Nice job, dillholes.  Request a response by 3pm, send it at 3:09pm...reminds me of the Guthy/Renker weekend TV where "if you respond in the next 30 minutes, we'll throw in blah blah blah." 

APC, you have too much marketing money.  You need to beat down your marketing gurus and fire them.

Okay, as I sit here chillin' at the kitchen table, there's some hockey-puck-for-a-brain moron a block away shooting off fireworks. HELLLOOOOOO! It's >August< 4th, not July 4th, the American Independence Day. You're a month late, there, kemosabe. How about we take one of those bottle rockets noise-polluting my neighborhood and place it rectally in you for an advanced wake-up call?

Pet related beatdownable offenses

• You say your pets have your surname
  
• You call your pets your "children"
  
• You talk about yourself to your pets in 3rd person as "mommy" or "daddy"
  
• You kiss your pets on the lips
  
• You create a Facebook or MySpace page for your pets
  

I live on a busy county road, which is a paved highway with two-way traffic. The speed limit is 50 mph, and there's just ditch next to the road. Today on my way home a woman was pushing, within the lines of a road, a young child in a stroller, causing traffic to back up and putting her and the child at risk. Although there is currently construction going on and traffic is a little slower than usual, this represents an incomprehensible risk to the child. Once they have both safely made it to their destination, the woman deserves a kick in the shins.

Geek rant: I HATE summary repostings in RSS feeds. Example, Antimusic.com, a great daily news site for all things tunage. Every weekend they basically repost everything in their RSS feed from the previous week with the lead text in the story "a top article from this past week." I have an RSS feed that *gasp* already does this so I end up having to troll through posts again to find the news stories. If you do this to blatantly try to create additional traffic to your site, you deserve a beatdown.

If you're the decision maker that screws up a house demolition based on incorrect GPS coordinates you deserve to have your nuts crushed. Yep, I'm threatening the jewels here, because this is unforgivable. Lawyers are going to have a heyday with this one.

Today we have another example of half-assing something and not following through. In my townhouse development we've got maintenance on the grounds. Every spring a the company taking care of the grass comes in and treats it with various chemicals, and then because these chemicals might harm kids, pets or drunk relatives passed out face-first in the lawn, they put these little signs up every 20 feet warning you to stay off the grass since they have been, and I quote, "recently treated." That's all fine and dandy, except that:

• They don't say when the signs were put up
• They don't say how long we're supposed to stay off the lawn
• The morons never come and remove the signs!

So, for the past 10 days these signs have been out saying "my God, you could die if you touch the lawn because sometime in the recent past for an undefined amount of time you should stay off the grass, but it could be today because we forgot to come remove our signs. That's okay, because they will probably litter the neighborhood anyway..." *Sigh*, can I get a dirty look for the lawn people please? Also perhaps a swift kick in the skull?