Monday, May 09, 2011

If you insist on trying to sing along falsetto style to the overhead Frankie Valli song in the grocery store, you deserve to have your tongue removed with a needle nose pliers.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

If you think the hazard lights on your car are "permit to park anywhere cause my little lighty things go blinky-blinky" you deserve you and your lights to meet a ball peen hammer.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Today I got the 20th phone call from a salesperson at Oracle. He's left 3 voicemails in the past 3 days and called and hung up 17 times. My company has been an Oracle customer for 10 years. This guy is cold calling me about my database needs. I asked him to stop calling in a very terse tone, and resisted asking why the world's biggest database company can't figure out I'm already a customer. I'd like to hit him with my shoe.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

New Jersey middle school principal: Dumbass of the year. He's asking parents to ban their kids from Facebook.

Monday, April 19, 2010

If you fill up your tank of gas at the pump, and leave your driver side door open with the key in the ignition so I have to endure 18 gallons of ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.... you deserve to have your head slammed in the door.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

If your online website won't show me a price because it's "too low to display" that's just B.S. You deserve a beatdown for this poppycock.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Screwover #2: The "deluxe" edition album.

The recording industry is in turmoil, no doubt. The business model of working hard a few artists through payola and overprice polycarbonite discs isn't cutting it anymore. So what's a poor record executive to do?

Repackage crap with 2 more tracks. Yep, the "deluxe" edition album. Take a successful album, photoshop the cover (same cover, now with a BLUE TINT!) and add 2 tracks the artist didn't have room for on the first one. Resell it at full price, steal a spot on the album charts, and the uber-fans suck it all up.

Vote with your dollars, folks. Don't fall for this crap. Buy only the singles on iTunes, Zune, Lala, AmazonMP3, whatever, and skip the albums. The days of consumers taking a full album of crapola for 2 singles are over, and we're smarter than this. I feel no compassion for a bunch of entertainment fatcats who screw us over with reruns. Beat 'em down and support artists who don't play this game.

Monday, February 15, 2010

If you have a 21st century smartphone (iPhone, Android, etc) and you set the ringtone to be that of a mechanical bell ring from the 50's, you deserve to have your phone shoved in your ear and repeatedly called until you scream "UNCLE!"

Saturday, February 13, 2010

If you decide to put on your customer's credit card statement the following phrase:

Coming next month, exciting new changes to your statement!

You deserve a massive smash in the face with the clue bat. I know for a fact that all credit card statements are designed to be confusing and are filled with all sorts of promotional crap trying to entice me to spend more. There is absolutely NOTHING that could happen to my statement that would "excite" me short of it including a sudden forgiveness of all balances. And even then I wouldn't be that impressed, since I'm finally out from under you rat bastard plastic peddlers. Putting lipstick on a pig does not change the fact that's it's a pig.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Today I'm starting a new series of beatdowns. Many companies today have begun what I'm calling the screwover mentality to add charges to unsuspecting customers. Certainly I've ranted against the credit card banks recently, but there are other nefarious bastards that need their day in an octagonal ring.

Screwover #1: The photocopier lease insurance screwover.

In the last day the controller in our company popped by to alert us to a little clause that is tacked into leases for photocopiers, a function recently taken over by a team member of mine in my IT department. Apparently the leasing company requests in very fine print that you provide proof of insurance for the device, and if you don't find the fine print or react accordingly, they quickly start providing their own insurance on a monthly basis as part of the bill. It's probably not even going to show up as a line item--the bill would just magically go up a few bucks to cover this cost and most companies would be none the wiser.

This should be far more forthcoming with a customer. This type of screwover action for a few bucks is utter crack and should be met with physical violence.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

If you position yourself on the stairclimber between me on my treadmill and a fan, and then proceed to rip ass the entire time you're in the gym, I should be allowed to choke you with a 10 pound kettlebell. I wish I was making this up.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

If you're a religious zealot who uses a huge national disaster as an way of insinuating God is punishing someone, you deserve to be drown in your own holy water. I'm embarrased to share the human race with this type of nonsense.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

To the guy who does his best to be the person to post "FIRST" to anything on a blog or a Facebook entry, you deserve the first ass-kicking. It's so annoying going to a blog and seeing every post have an idiot post "FIRST!" then another idiot below him posting "FIRST!" when he's second. Come to think of it, the guy who gets the second "First" deserves twice as much vengeance. Second place is the first loser.

Monday, November 23, 2009

AT&T you deserve a beatdown. Your wimpy response to Verizon's 3G network maps is leaving out the very important fact--your coverage is only on your old SLOW EDGE network, not 3G. You might be able to pick up coverage for voice, but slow ass data is all over the country. Lying like this is marketing fibbing at its finest. You bastards.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

If you show up at the only bar in town showing the UFC fight, which has a full house of mixed martial arts fans and you start whining to the host about showing a Nebraska college football game, you need to get tapped out. Lardass in red was sitting with his family in the middle of the place last night looking around like a deer in headlights. There's a sign as you walk in, and damn near everyone in the place is there for the fight. Don't whine, move on.