People who deserve a beat down

2011-05-09T09:18:00.000-07:00

If you insist on trying to sing along falsetto style to the overhead Frankie Valli song in the grocery store, you deserve to have your tongue removed with a needle nose pliers.

2010-11-04T16:39:00.001-07:00

If you think the hazard lights on your car are "permit to park anywhere cause my little lighty things go blinky-blinky" you deserve you and your lights to meet a ball peen hammer.

2010-10-25T11:25:00.001-07:00

Today I got the 20th phone call from a salesperson at Oracle. He's left 3 voicemails in the past 3 days and called and hung up 17 times. My company has been an Oracle customer for 10 years. This guy is cold calling me about my database needs. I asked him to stop calling in a very terse tone, and resisted asking why the world's biggest database company can't figure out I'm already a customer. I'd like to hit him with my shoe.

2010-04-29T14:27:00.001-07:00

New Jersey middle school principal: Dumbass of the year. He's asking parents to ban their kids from Facebook.

2010-04-19T13:00:00.001-07:00

If you fill up your tank of gas at the pump, and leave your driver side door open with the key in the ignition so I have to endure 18 gallons of ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.... you deserve to have your head slammed in the door.

2010-02-24T08:43:00.001-08:00

If your online website won't show me a price because it's "too low to display" that's just B.S. You deserve a beatdown for this poppycock.

2010-02-21T15:45:00.000-08:00

Screwover #2: The "deluxe" edition album.

The recording industry is in turmoil, no doubt. The business model of working hard a few artists through payola and overprice polycarbonite discs isn't cutting it anymore. So what's a poor record executive to do?

Repackage crap with 2 more tracks. Yep, the "deluxe" edition album. Take a successful album, photoshop the cover (same cover, now with a BLUE TINT!) and add 2 tracks the artist didn't have room for on the first one. Resell it at full price, steal a spot on the album charts, and the uber-fans suck it all up.

Vote with your dollars, folks. Don't fall for this crap. Buy only the singles on iTunes, Zune, Lala, AmazonMP3, whatever, and skip the albums. The days of consumers taking a full album of crapola for 2 singles are over, and we're smarter than this. I feel no compassion for a bunch of entertainment fatcats who screw us over with reruns. Beat 'em down and support artists who don't play this game.

2010-02-15T12:24:00.001-08:00

If you have a 21st century smartphone (iPhone, Android, etc) and you set the ringtone to be that of a mechanical bell ring from the 50's, you deserve to have your phone shoved in your ear and repeatedly called until you scream "UNCLE!"

2010-02-13T17:00:00.000-08:00

If you decide to put on your customer's credit card statement the following phrase:

Coming next month, exciting new changes to your statement!

You deserve a massive smash in the face with the clue bat. I know for a fact that all credit card statements are designed to be confusing and are filled with all sorts of promotional crap trying to entice me to spend more. There is absolutely NOTHING that could happen to my statement that would "excite" me short of it including a sudden forgiveness of all balances. And even then I wouldn't be that impressed, since I'm finally out from under you rat bastard plastic peddlers. Putting lipstick on a pig does not change the fact that's it's a pig.

2010-01-27T08:11:00.000-08:00

Today I'm starting a new series of beatdowns. Many companies today have begun what I'm calling the screwover mentality to add charges to unsuspecting customers. Certainly I've ranted against the credit card banks recently, but there are other nefarious bastards that need their day in an octagonal ring.

Screwover #1: The photocopier lease insurance screwover.

In the last day the controller in our company popped by to alert us to a little clause that is tacked into leases for photocopiers, a function recently taken over by a team member of mine in my IT department. Apparently the leasing company requests in very fine print that you provide proof of insurance for the device, and if you don't find the fine print or react accordingly, they quickly start providing their own insurance on a monthly basis as part of the bill. It's probably not even going to show up as a line item--the bill would just magically go up a few bucks to cover this cost and most companies would be none the wiser.

This should be far more forthcoming with a customer. This type of screwover action for a few bucks is utter crack and should be met with physical violence.

2010-01-24T13:39:00.001-08:00

If you position yourself on the stairclimber between me on my treadmill and a fan, and then proceed to rip ass the entire time you're in the gym, I should be allowed to choke you with a 10 pound kettlebell. I wish I was making this up.

2010-01-13T13:05:00.000-08:00

If you're a religious zealot who uses a huge national disaster as an way of insinuating God is punishing someone, you deserve to be drown in your own holy water. I'm embarrased to share the human race with this type of nonsense.

2009-12-23T06:31:00.000-08:00

To the guy who does his best to be the person to post "FIRST" to anything on a blog or a Facebook entry, you deserve the first ass-kicking. It's so annoying going to a blog and seeing every post have an idiot post "FIRST!" then another idiot below him posting "FIRST!" when he's second. Come to think of it, the guy who gets the second "First" deserves twice as much vengeance. Second place is the first loser.

2009-11-23T06:53:00.000-08:00

AT&T you deserve a beatdown. Your wimpy response to Verizon's 3G network maps is leaving out the very important fact--your coverage is only on your old SLOW EDGE network, not 3G. You might be able to pick up coverage for voice, but slow ass data is all over the country. Lying like this is marketing fibbing at its finest. You bastards.

2009-11-22T10:59:00.000-08:00

If you show up at the only bar in town showing the UFC fight, which has a full house of mixed martial arts fans and you start whining to the host about showing a Nebraska college football game, you need to get tapped out. Lardass in red was sitting with his family in the middle of the place last night looking around like a deer in headlights. There's a sign as you walk in, and damn near everyone in the place is there for the fight. Don't whine, move on.

2009-10-26T09:42:00.001-07:00

If your restaurant's interesting "garage sale junk on the wall" includes motivational work posters (i.e. "Successories") you deserve to be smacked about like a yarn ball by a kitten.

2009-10-14T06:14:00.001-07:00

I repeatedly get this stupid e-mail that Outlook junk filters catches from some yahoo who is peddling his services to do foreign language conversions of our web site. We only operate in North America so we're not interested.

Yesterday I get a new email, one saying "Did you get my previous emails? I seem to have some problems with my mail not getting through because some email systems think my message is spam." HELLLOO!!! It IS spam you ignorant buffoon. It's an unsolicted commercial email that I have no interest in, and frankly I don't think it's worth my time to even tell you to bugger off. I hope someone hits you with the Portuguese translation of "battering ram" in your head.

This reminds me of the old George Carlin "You stuff is shit and my shit is stuff" routine. It's like this guy thinks his email isn't spam but other spam he probably doesn't want. Yo, get a clue you bumpkin.

2009-10-12T14:36:00.001-07:00

In the "OMG that's sick and creepy" category: If you proposition your own teenage daughter on Facebook, you deserve 15 seconds with a tin snips, you perv.

2009-10-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

In this post, the return of "caught with my phone while stopped at a stoplight.":

That's some sort of odd carrier attached to the bumper with...a gas can hanging out there ready to get rear ended. Does this yutz miss his mid-70's Ford Pinto or what?

2009-10-04T07:54:00.001-07:00

Courtesy of Mr. Wizard:

Yesterday I got yelled at for jumping in line in front of someone else waiting to use the microwave. I pointed out the second microwave that's been sitting there for the last 5 months. "Oh." Yeah, you're welcome.

2009-09-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

Nice job there First National Bank of Omaha. I've been a cardholder since 1994, and done 994 transactions over that timeframe according to ye old Quicken. I'd transfered balances to you several times, made lots of interest payments, and recently paid off the card. It set dormant for about a year, and yesterday you sent me the BucksBack letter--a B.S. program of cashback no better than any other cashback cards (1% on all transactions in $25 dollar intervals), wrapped in a service fee of $49 a year, with terrible interest rates.

So, I rejected your rates and cancelled the card. I'm a good customer, pay interest at times, and am not late. You made money off me in the past, and were destined to do it more in the future under the existing terms. But you screwed the pooch. I was a card member for 15 years, but no more. I reject your terms and your lame marketing. It's too bad the banking industry got so greedy these past years they are trying to milk the good customers. I am being milked no more and you rat bastards deserve to be bashed in the head with an early 80's cell phone until you go down like a first fight punk at a UFC bout.

2009-09-14T08:56:00.001-07:00

Kanye freakin' West. At the MTV video music awards on Sunday night, yanked the microphone from Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech to indicate that Beyonce's video should have been the winner, in his less-than-humble opion. Kayne, you are a +10 douchebag, and your utter arrogance puts you at the front of the line for a mega beatdown. Grow up you jerk. I don't even like Taylor Swift's music, and that was absolutely uncalled for. Sober up and go home.

2009-08-30T11:03:00.000-07:00

Civilized common courtesy seems to be slipping more and more these days. Case in point, this last week I'm at the local supermarket for the lunch salad bar. It's a double-sided bar thing where people mingle around, and generally I'm not too stressed if someone jumps around me to grab bacon if I'm busy populating my lunch with onions. Eventually all attendees make their way to the dressing area. The woman in front of me has like 5 people waiting for her, and she applies dressing to her salad, closes the cover, and proceeds to shake up the salad to mix the dressing in. 5 seconds, 10 seconds, 15 seconds pass. She stops, oh thank God she's done. She opens the salad, adds another couple teaspoons of dressing, recloses the salad, and begins her Hawaiian dance yet again. After 3 rounds of this, she finally leaves, bewildered as to why there are 5 people all giving her "I hope your remains aren't identifiably without dental records" faces. I hope she's stuck in traffic for the next 5 weeks, and that she gets a baseball bat to the head to see if she even notices it connecting.

2009-08-11T13:17:00.000-07:00

I work in information technology, as I've mentioned before. This means loads and loads of vendor spam. One of the worst is APC, also mentioned before, as they send me their catalogs to 4 different variations of my name or title to the same address, thereby adding to their marketing costs and paper recycling center work.

Today I get an email from them, here's the header with time send information:

Nice job, dillholes. Request a response by 3pm, send it at 3:09pm...reminds me of the Guthy/Renker weekend TV where "if you respond in the next 30 minutes, we'll throw in blah blah blah."

APC, you have too much marketing money. You need to beat down your marketing gurus and fire them.

2009-08-04T19:13:00.001-07:00

Okay, as I sit here chillin' at the kitchen table, there's some hockey-puck-for-a-brain moron a block away shooting off fireworks. HELLLOOOOOO! It's >August< 4th, not July 4th, the American Independence Day. You're a month late, there, kemosabe. How about we take one of those bottle rockets noise-polluting my neighborhood and place it rectally in you for an advanced wake-up call?

2009-08-01T07:13:00.000-07:00

Pet related beatdownable offenses

You say your pets have your surname
You call your pets your "children"
You talk about yourself to your pets in 3rd person as "mommy" or "daddy"
You kiss your pets on the lips
You create a Facebook or MySpace page for your pets

2009-07-15T16:57:00.000-07:00

I live on a busy county road, which is a paved highway with two-way traffic. The speed limit is 50 mph, and there's just ditch next to the road. Today on my way home a woman was pushing, within the lines of a road, a young child in a stroller, causing traffic to back up and putting her and the child at risk. Although there is currently construction going on and traffic is a little slower than usual, this represents an incomprehensible risk to the child. Once they have both safely made it to their destination, the woman deserves a kick in the shins.

2009-06-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

Geek rant: I HATE summary repostings in RSS feeds. Example, Antimusic.com, a great daily news site for all things tunage. Every weekend they basically repost everything in their RSS feed from the previous week with the lead text in the story "a top article from this past week." I have an RSS feed that *gasp* already does this so I end up having to troll through posts again to find the news stories. If you do this to blatantly try to create additional traffic to your site, you deserve a beatdown.

2009-06-14T06:33:00.000-07:00

If you're the decision maker that screws up a house demolition based on incorrect GPS coordinates you deserve to have your nuts crushed. Yep, I'm threatening the jewels here, because this is unforgivable. Lawyers are going to have a heyday with this one.

2009-06-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

Today we have another example of half-assing something and not following through. In my townhouse development we've got maintenance on the grounds. Every spring a the company taking care of the grass comes in and treats it with various chemicals, and then because these chemicals might harm kids, pets or drunk relatives passed out face-first in the lawn, they put these little signs up every 20 feet warning you to stay off the grass since they have been, and I quote, "recently treated." That's all fine and dandy, except that:

They don't say when the signs were put up
They don't say how long we're supposed to stay off the lawn
The morons never come and remove the signs!

So, for the past 10 days these signs have been out saying "my God, you could die if you touch the lawn because sometime in the recent past for an undefined amount of time you should stay off the grass, but it could be today because we forgot to come remove our signs. That's okay, because they will probably litter the neighborhood anyway..." *Sigh*, can I get a dirty look for the lawn people please? Also perhaps a swift kick in the skull?

2009-05-28T06:18:00.000-07:00

Perhaps this is being a bit harsh, but nothing is less useful than someone who posts to a support forum "I'm going to try this and then I'll post back my results" and they never come back. I don't know how many times I've found a problem that someone may have resolved but it was left dangling. I've got a dangling fury beatdown coming right at ya.

2009-05-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

A tidbit sent to me through thar interwebs from J Q:

It doesn't rain much where I live, but when it does rain it comes down in buckets. As a result most folks are caught without umbrellas, forced to scramble from covered-sidewalk to covered-sidewalk lest they get drenched. Now enter those inconderate idiots who are lucky enough to have an umbrella... and then proceed to walk with it fully open even under a covered sidewalk, forcing everyone else to deviate around them into the rain. Honestly, these a-holes deserve to have the 381 bus hit a huge puddle right beside them. Let's see your umbrella keep you dry now, jerk. Seriously if you have your own personal roof you should show a little consideration.

2009-05-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

"As a matter of fact, I do own the whole parking lot."

Yeah, that's what they seemed like. I roam outside of the grocery store deli at lunchtime and there they are, a couple of people side by side in their automobiles talking about whatever. Driver side door to drivers side door, laughing and cavorting on about nothing important, not realizing one car was waiting behind one of them and a parked car was trying to get out beside the other. Utterly inconsiderate and arrogant, these people need to have their cars confiscated and run through a giant blender, along with some "wake the hell up" slaps applied to their faces.

2009-05-15T15:27:00.001-07:00

Somebody needs to find Jack and kick his lily white behind...

2009-05-07T07:17:00.001-07:00

Courtesy of The Jeff:

If you get up to use the crapper while the plane is taxiing into the gate causing the pilot to stop the plane on the tarmac for 15 minutes while we all wait impatiently for you finish your business, you deserve to be water boarded with that blue toilet sludge and then thrown out of the plane at 36,000 feet so we don’t have to deal with your damn stupidity any longer!

Unbelievable, this lady gets up and spends seriously like 10 – 15 minutes in the bathroom while we all sit around and wait. The stewardesses were knocking on the door talking to her. The pilot announced that we could continue the remaining 200 yards to the gate as soon as everyone was in their seat. Really?? How dumb can you be?

2009-04-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

It's not a "powerpoint projector" you ignorant stick. It's a digital projector that can show anything that's on the attached PC. In calling it that I'm sure you're giving me an early indicator that the upcoming presentation is going to be filled with dense boring text and you'll be reading it to me rather than presenting your information in any engaging way. I'd like to poke your eyes out.

2009-03-30T05:23:00.000-07:00

If you rob a cop at a police convention, you deserve everything you get after that. Proof that stupidity and crime seem to frolic wistfully together.

2009-03-29T05:27:00.000-07:00

There's nothing quite a nice as getting arrested for choking your wife while wearing an "I ♥ My Marriage" t-shirt. Nice going there buddy, let's hope someone is wearing an "I ♣ Stupid Morons" when he gets his just deserves.

2009-03-28T07:10:00.001-07:00

In retrospect, this AIG ad makes me want to go back in time and kick the ass of the marketing department.

2009-03-27T21:44:00.000-07:00

If you do the nasty with a car wash vacuum cleaner, you deserve to be locked in a tiny box and shipped off to Paraguay.

2009-03-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

If you Twitter negative things about a job offer you get before you accept it and thus lose the job offer, you deserve a whack upside the head. Ditto if you post about it on Facebook, MySpace, etc.

2009-03-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

Not my picture, but both mother and child deserve a swift kick in the ass:

2009-03-03T18:45:00.000-08:00

Another day, another dumbass calling 911 because his order didn't come out right at the restaurant. This time it's a "situation with Subway." This guy deserves to be helmet whacked with a claw hammer. We pay taxes to employe limited police resources to respond to this crap?

2009-02-27T14:07:00.000-08:00

If you show up at da club with your own disco ball hat, you deserve to have your ass kicked.

Buy it here then stop reading my blog.

2009-02-26T14:35:00.000-08:00

If you call 911 because Burger King ran out of lemonade, you deserve to be drown in lemonade.

2009-02-24T18:04:00.001-08:00

Un. Friggin. Believable.

I can't even describe this. Beatdowns are not enough.

2009-02-21T18:52:00.000-08:00

Found via Engadget, if you have to have a furry covered phone with a stone encrusted handset, your princessa little kiester deserves to be mugged with it.

2009-02-13T14:53:00.001-08:00

If your blog consistes of nothing but tweets from Twitter you deserve to have the blog taken over by spammers. Post to your blog or don't post at all (just like me as of late! LOL).

2009-02-10T13:46:00.000-08:00

I admire any attempt to bring technology to the elected officials of the USA, but it's important they are not stupid about what they are using. Case in point, a ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee (*cough, cough*) Twittered his presence in Baghdad on his Blackberry after his arrival on a secret trip to Iraq. Nice job dunghole.

2009-02-09T18:10:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Mr. Wizard:

An extension to Gratuity Included means crappy service guaranteed.

Not only did it take 25 minutes from the time we were done eating until we got our ticket, (yes, ticket), we were then told that on groups over 6, they would not split out the ticket into individuals, and that we needed to figure out each person's part on our own. So I have one massive beatdown for each waitress that ignored us plus the manager, but it's up to you to split it up accordingly.

2009-01-25T08:18:00.000-08:00

If you're the president of a failing financial company, a company that is cutting cost across the board and firing employees and you spend $1.2 million dollars having your office redecorated, you deserve to be beat savagely by any terminated employee. Arswipe.

2009-01-24T19:45:00.001-08:00

If you as a lawmaker try to pass your opinion of morality into law, your ass deserves a damn beatdown.

2009-01-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Andy. And I'm a dumbass.

See, Andy and his buddy got arrested after they stayed at a relative's house, stole the safe and proceeded to spend almost $250,000 on a spree that included such luxury items as a Ford Focus and a Dodge Neon (WTH!). I believe Andy and his "bro" deserve whatever paper cuts that much cash can actually inflict upon two people.

Thanks to Tanilium for the above.

2008-12-30T16:47:00.000-08:00

The one thing better than a beatdown is a good old fashion meddling with the mind of the person deserving it. Dallas Clayton gives it up for dealing with the moron who parks where they shouldn't.

2008-12-27T13:26:00.001-08:00

People like me talk about taking care of those gabbers in the theater. Here we have an example of someone doing something about it.

2008-12-24T07:47:00.000-08:00

In the late 80's there was this hardcore metal song, "Speak English or Die" and it applies greatly to this dooooode:

2008-12-19T14:09:00.000-08:00

Zango, you rat bastards:

Swap the cancel with the OK. Pricks. I'd like to swap your eyes with your ears.

2008-12-19T13:53:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry. Divorce is often awful. It's painful and expensive. But this woman is seeking $53,000 a week from her ex-husband for her weekly expenses. Sweetheart, it's time to get off the gravy train and live a real life here.

2008-12-17T08:58:00.001-08:00

From ol’ pal Licorice Whip:

I work in tech. I know tech. I like tech.
But, I have come to despise the other people who work in tech.
For instance...
If you believe that a 32-bit application will "just run fine" on a 64-bit system then force everyone to base their project time estimates on that assumption, then you, mein freund, need a brain stem transplant

2008-12-09T13:40:00.000-08:00

If you text daddy about you losing your virginity you deserve the beatdown you're going to get when your Delta flight lands tomorrow:

2008-12-05T18:15:00.000-08:00

What is it about certain tatoo-covered criminal douchebags that makes them continue to mark themselves with more and more tatoos and thus making themselves easily identified? Look at Mr. Opaque here at The Smoking Gun. He deserves a prison beatdown.

2008-11-30T15:54:00.000-08:00

The person who created the plastic shopping bag deserves to be choked with his own invention. Reasons:

The plastic doesn't break down, contributing to flying litter
The bags fall down and can't hold shape with items in it
There isn't a checkout clerk in America who knows how to fill these things--I end up with 4 extras of these on every grocery trip where each bag has 1-3 items in it!
They have less strength than an 92 year old woman with degenerative bone disorder
They use more oil since they are plastic

These things are aweful, let's just get rid of them completely already. And I'm FAR from a tree hugger. Give me back my paper sack that holds its shape and degrades with water and sun!

2008-11-25T08:22:00.000-08:00

Not unrelated to the last post, if you select the acoustically perfect booth in a deli to sit with your screaming child--the one that acts as a horn as you sit in the corner with your precious little Madison freaking out about the cheese on her goddamn sandwich--as the whole rest of us in the establishment do indeed know now of her apparent discomfort over the use of cheddar--you deserve to have 124 decibels of polka music force fed into your face at my earliest convenience.

2008-11-23T16:03:00.000-08:00

If I could invent a beatdown approved appliance, I would devise a device that would be attached to the back of a parent's head that would deliver a sharp blow to the mellon in perfect sync with the sound of that parent's child kicking either the back of my airplane seat or a bench at a restaurant. Kids will be kids, but a job as a parent is to stop a child from clanging away and disturbing others. If you cannot somehow get your child under control, I should be allowed to apply consecutive blows to your brain until the damn thing finally jumpstarts.

2008-11-21T11:55:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of JQ (and he sent this to me ages ago, I've been lagging in posting!):

Here in sunny Australia, we follow the American model in all things. As per college, our government charges a lot of money for the privilege of education, like AUD$30,000 (about US$27,000) for a simple engineering degree for example. Now enter the Queensland Tertiary Admissions Centre (QTAC). They are a bureaucratic layer of the Australian Government responsible for receiving all student applications to the various Aussie colleges & unis. They then pool the applications and on-send them to the relevant institution. For this service QTAC charges each student an "administrative fee" of AUD$47 (about US$43)... for lodging an *online* application. So sticking undergrads for a $30,000 bill is not enough, they have to squeeze the last drop of blood out of the poor 18-year-olds hoping to better their lives through education. Congrats to the lard-arse bureaucrats on this one, they each deserve to run the hazing gauntlet and be paddled to death.

2008-11-19T14:19:00.000-08:00

Trend Micro, I'm calling you out you sleazy bastards. Here's the message I get today as my antivirus software expires:

You can no longer download security updates. Your computer may begin to perform more slowly and erratically as malicious software begins to infest the hard drive and memory. Renew your subscrption now to restore your protection.

Okay, while technically that's somewhat accurate, you could just as well say that neglecting to wash my hands could result in bird flu, leprosy and hot-dog-finger. What a bunch of crap--a less heavy handed approach would be appreciated. Don't call it tough love, call it fear-mongering. You little bastards, I'd like to whack you with my empty glass water bottle. Oh, and it was a free subscription, and I'll be replacing it with something else. *grin*

2008-11-16T05:04:00.000-08:00

Maybe this isn't truly beatdown worthy, but it's an indication of stupid. I really worry about people who get picked up for drunk driving and the person who comes to get them out of jail is arrested for showing up there after drunk driving themself.

2008-11-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

This freakazoid got drunk and then got busy with his wheelchair bound mother. He got arrested. He should have been mangled in the street by a baseball bat wielding mob. And for those of you who constantly say "what has happened to America?" I will point out this was in Australia (sorry JQ!).

2008-11-05T19:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, there's a goober who works in the distribution center that processes orders for buy.com. Today I get my new goodies for a PC upgrade I'm doing at home, and the box consists of a new processor (in the Intel box), a power supply and some ram sticks. Processors weigh next to nothing, and in fact the fan that Intel bundles with the processor is what gives the package any heft at al--along with the plastic carrier for the items. It's in a display box intended to make the geeks go oooh and ah at the local store, so it's basically folded posterboard. This item was at the bottom of the box. Immediately on top of it, my new power supply. I buy quality power supplies, so they weigh approximately 4,523x more than a processor. Of course when I open this box the power supply has mashed the box for the processor. I thought I was going to have to go through the whole return process for what could have easily been avoided by someone who's IQ exceed the average American male shoe size. Fortunately no damage appears to be done after I opened the processor box. Nevertheless, to the dingus at buy.com warehousing, I'd like to wish for you a trip across the country with a 420 pound box "resting" on your shoulders as the trip begins. And a beatdown. If the box doesn't do you in first. Then, maybe anyway.

2008-10-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

The "safe by my home only" driver deserves to be slapped. I'm driving home on the freeway, and this dude tailgates me on a 70 mph stretch, snaps around me like he's playing Gran Turismo 4, then cuts me off in traffic. I get to the stoplight at the bottom to the off ramp and he squeals the tires off in front of me and shoots around the bend. Coming up on my townhouse development, it turns out this bubble-gum-flavor scientist lives near me. The speed limit, 50 mph. His speed? 35 mph. If you drive like a maniac blowing off all speed limits then slow down below the speed limit to be safe in your own neighborhood, you deserve to have your head repeatedly struck with a tire iron. Jerk.

2008-10-17T06:18:00.000-07:00

If the automatic no-touch paper dispenser in your restaurant puts out exactly six inches of paper towels for me to dry after washing my hands, you deserve to be slapped in the face with my cold wet hands. I know the economy is tight but c'mon now.

2008-10-15T07:12:00.000-07:00

If you are a wealthy rapper/athlete/ and when caught doing something illegal you use the lame excuse of "just trying to feed my family" you deserve to be starved in the Mojave desert. Anyone who squanders his wealth like that doesn't get my sympathy.

2008-10-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

If your ad says "price to low to print" you are a marketing moron and deserve to have a beer bottle smashed against your head. No price is too low to print, and usually when people don't print prices they aren't that big of a deal anyway. Extra lashings for "add to the shopping cart to see price" morons as well. What, am I going to accidentally buy something now? Sheesh.

2008-10-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

If you've got a six pack tatooed on your belly, and you have to lift up a "Dale Jr." t-shirt to show it off, you deserve to have your ass kicked in the back of your trailer.

2008-10-04T17:54:00.000-07:00

Egads!

Courtesy of LP Cover Lover.

2008-09-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

The person who wrote this rap deserves a beatdown. The person who decided to record this rap deserves a beatdown. And Lord only knows the person who whipped out a camcorder to record this travesty to hip-hop videos deserves a serious drug-out-in-the-street-body-on-fire beatdown for making it so SO SO very very bad.

Please, no losing your lunch. Please.

2008-09-22T18:43:00.000-07:00

Further thinning of the gene pool. I swear these people are only worthy of a beatdown, not dying. This couple was run over by a train while gettin' in on.

2008-09-18T15:48:00.000-07:00

Holy cow, stupid paying the ultimate price!

2008-09-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Almy: Cost cutting measures I understand, but moving to single ply toilet paper is really going to help us weather the financial downturn? I'd like to smack you across the face with my now "accessorized" hand that just got done trying to get by on single-ply T.P.

2008-09-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

NFL.com, you suck. "Due to overwhelming demand you will be placed in queue..blah blah blah." Dumbasses! You didn't think anyone would come to watch a streaming football game? Did you graduate from the Victoria's Secret School of Inadequate Bandwidth Planning or what? You all need a Terry Tate bash to the head.

2008-09-01T08:10:00.001-07:00

I'd say this guy deserves a beatdown for stupidity, but he's suffering a sort of pain beyond fitting for the situation. Ouch.

2008-08-31T19:11:00.000-07:00

Sorry, but a Christian knockoff of Guitar Hero is most beatdown worthy. I hope Activision and MTV Games sue the pants off these people.

2008-08-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

Check out this reason for birth control (and my apologies if you can't get the video to show up, it's not as clean as YouTube).

So, here was have some absolute moron who missed his or her exit. So, this person decides to back up on a LONG freeway, eventually smacking the road barrier, then traveling upstream like a retarded salmon into oncoming traffic. Eventually this doesn't end well, and the clip finishes with a long pan back of traffic backed up for miles.

This moron deserves a recreation of the scene from the movie Airplane! where the hysterical women is being slapped in the face to get her to come back to reality. This is the scene where there's a long line of people waiting for their turn at the slap, and as they get further in the line of people you see folks with medieval torture devices, etc. EVERY single person in that traffic backup deserves a shot at that drivers knees, face or groin. Accidents happen due to bad judgement calls all the time on America's highway system, but such a stupid move deserves capital punishment.

2008-08-13T06:38:00.000-07:00

I'm a parent, so I know it's tough at times to keep tabs on your kid. But when your kid is right in front of you doing something that puts her in jeopardy, you need to wake up. Case in point, yesterday JRod and I were lunching at ye Olive Garden. We were sitting at a table next to a table with two adults and one kid. I'd put her age at about 4, possibly 5. She was a little hyper, and decided to stand up on the chair she was sitting on. Then while standing she starts bumping the chair back of the chair she's standing on repeatedly with her backside. Momentum being what it is (ah the laws of physics) it was pretty obvious she was about to---WHAM, down the chair goes, ass over teakettle. The kid takes a pretty hard spill on the floor and wails for about 5 minutes. The kid was standing on this chair for a good 3 minutes right in front of her (presumed) mom. This mom deserves a beatdown. Why not just get your kid to take herself out of harms way. Now I had to endure 5 minutes of this child screaming in pain (thank goodness she didn't break anything).

2008-08-07T14:36:00.000-07:00

If you need a holster for your beer bottles, you deserve to be smashed over the head with one of those bottles.

2008-08-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Tanilium: If your automatic traffic camera sends me a ticket because it caught the license plate of my car being towed over the speed limit, I get to throw rotten tomates at said camera--and rotten eggs at the person who's supposed to spot check the validity of these speed cameras.

2008-08-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

Stupid and criminal. I think it would have been fitting to let nature take its course with cleansing the gene pool of this man's DNA. This moron in Dallas had to be rescued from the top of a live electrical pole because he was injured by it on top while stealing the copper wiring. This guy has exactly two brain cells and they seemed to be locked in mortal combat, leaving no room for normal functionality. Provided he survives, he should probably be subjected to repeated bolts of low voltage to shake his body down.

2008-08-02T17:25:00.000-07:00

If you are so uncontrolled that you need to pleasure yourself when working door-to-door, you deserve to have your giblets removed for safe keeping.

2008-08-01T17:52:00.000-07:00

Definition of a dumbass. This yutz decided to bet pot at a Fresno CA casino. Yup, he tossed it up on the table like it was cash. When arrested, he showed his (Lord I'm not making this up) Marijuana Club Card.

2008-07-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

My sis told me about this one yesterday. Her and her husband had found a new camper for sale on Craigslist on Friday. They contacted the seller and agreed to come take a look at the item the next morning at 10:00 a.m. It was about a 30 minute drive from their house to the seller's house, and they arrived on time. No one was home. They waited around for about 20 minutes then left, repeatedly calling the seller. Finally around noon they were able to get ahold of the seller, who told them the camper had sold earlier in the morning. The seller had both my sister's cell phone number and her husband's, both of which were with them and on and made no attempt whatsoever to contact them to indicate the camper wasn't available anymore. This seller deserves to be drug from their house and smacked around for not exercising even the slighted modicum of courtesy. How utterly insensitive, selfish and rude. I hope this person had something wrong with the camper that results in the actual buyer taking them to court and causing them tons of time consuming pain.

2008-07-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

The Google toolbar, the Official Herpes of the Internet(TM). Why is it that this stupid thing is bundled with everything now? OpenOffice, Flash, Dell PCs. Is there someone who's ass we can kick to make this stop?

2008-07-10T05:22:00.000-07:00

JQ brought this up in a comment about Vegas, but I have to expand a little. Those bastards that are set up at the entryway to most casinos with the people asking "so how long are you folks in town" as you walk by are the worst. They are pimping timeshares, usually, and they lure you in with offers of free shows (alternate greeting - "would you like free tickets to a nice show?"). When you bite, they ask you to attend a multi-hour presentation on buying a timeshare (in the desert? In this economy? Sure, color me stupid).

How to handle these rat bastards:
1) "We're only in town for a few more hours--in fact we're on our way to the airport now."
2) "We're here only through tomorrow morning, but soon we'll be back to our new timeshare!" Act glazed eyed and happy when the person says "congratulations!"
3) "No espeaked de English" and keep walking.
4) "I would love a show, but first I need to ask if you've accepted Christ as your personal savior?"
5) "Eye don't thing we have time as we are meetinga friends" in a Pakastani accent (very confusing as those of you who have met me know if I was any more white I'd be clear).
6) Take of your shoe and beat the crap out of the salesperson, as they surely deserve it.

2008-07-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Mr Wizard:

When you send me an e-mail on Monday morning saying I haven't fixed your issue in the 4 days since you reported it, it's not really appropriate to include the 3-day holiday weekend in that 4 days. I realize that since you graciously CCed my supervisor you needed to make make it sound like I've been ignoring you forever, but think about the fact that I've only had your issue for *2* business hours before you go spouting off.

2008-07-08T05:26:00.000-07:00

Brilliant idea: Have your buddy tow you with his motorcycle. You'll go faster, just have to watch out for obstacles. Wham!

2008-07-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

Vegas casino hotels are used to raping their customers for services because, well, they can. Case in point, the cost for wi-fi access in your average Las Vegas strip hotel is $12.99 for 24 hour access. Holy freaking cow manure batman! $13? How about making it more like $4 or free like many hotels? The financial molester who came up with this price deserves to have his wallet removed through the front of his leg to his back pocket!

2008-07-06T15:56:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm back after wifey and I spent a few glorious days in Vegas, and let me tell you, that city provides enough fodder to keep this blog alive for weeks. Anytime you gets lots of people walking in close proximity, there's bound to be true stupidity. Case in point here is the moron who walks backwards. Yep, I'm talking about the person who takes a few steps forward, realizes that's not the direction he wants to be traveling in, then takes multiple steps backwards without looking. Hello, dingus! There's about 4000 people all in the 20 foot radius of you here in the casino. I watched this guy knock the drink out of the hand of the person walking behind him, and then shrug it off. This guy needs to be trampled by bulls. And we should all get to watch.

2008-06-23T05:10:00.000-07:00

There are horrors on airplanes like the yakkity-yak people with their cell phones ("hello? We just landed.") But if I ever have to sit down next to someone who brings on a portable karaoke machine and intends to use it on the flight, I'll go balistic.

2008-06-19T05:38:00.000-07:00

Licorice Whip smacked the keys into this thoughtstream:

If your website hosts videos and the site automatically plays the video when the page is opened, versus clicking "play" to initiate the video, you deserve to be reamed by an electric drain snake. Get with the multi-tabbed browsing era. Your page isn't the only one I am interested in at that exact moment.

2008-06-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

Another gem (a REAL gem) from JQ:

If you're a manager in a company, and you get to go on a "management retreat" with the other pointy-haired bosses in the company, all-expenses-paid in a luxury resort that would cost me $550 for a weekend... word of advice. Don't come back and call an all-hands just to show us happy snaps of the great time you had, looking at the scenery and feeding the birds. It tends to inspire a tad of hostility and grumbling among the troops, and the thought of inserting whiteboard markers in your orifices.

2008-06-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

JQ nails this one on the head:

I bought a Motorola W375 cell phone the other day. Neat little unit, just love it. One of its best features is it can recharge via USB connection to a PC. Fantastic, no more having to lug a power adapter to work and everywhere. That is, until I read the bad news. You need to install a special driver on Windows before the phone can recharge via USB -- even though the PC recognizes the phone as a memory device without it. So you can't just take it to any PC to recharge, you have to install the driver first. Fortunately the driver is offered on Motorola's website... but it doesn't install. It's broken. Result: I can't recharge my phone via USB at all. Kudos to Motorola for taking the most convenient feature ever and rendering it completely useless, and they deserve to have their heads shoved in a microwave.

Vo adds:

Hmm, remember when the RAZR was the shizzle? Now Motorola = what? A financial beat down appears to be in the works (fair disclosure, I USED to be a MOT stockholder).